🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago · 4 min. reading time · visibility ~10 ·

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A heart full of generosity and love!

A heart full of generosity and love!You were a pillar of strength
A wall of confidence

An Ocean of ideas

 

A heart full of generosity and love.

Our hearts have an empty space only you
can fill.

You've left behind precious memories

And lessons | can carry on for life.

I hurt and have been hurting and as much I'm finding healing, I never forgave myself for allowing my father to pass away. I was sitting and watching a movie in the living room not knowing he needed my help. Why didn't he call out like he usually did? Why did he choose to die without walking me down the aisle?

Why didn't I have my usual dinner conversation with him that night?

 I was busy at ex's place that particular day and came home quite late. I asked my mother if Dad had dinner and meds. She said, he had a small bite and is off to bed. He never showed her any signs of uneasiness.

I chose not to disturb him and turned on the television as I couldn't sleep as yet.

He'd been sick for about 10 years. In 2004, he had a stroke due to high BP that left him paralyzed on his left side.

I was busy trying to make ends meet and educate myself, while yearning my father gets back on his feet, which he did for a while. Not that he was an alcoholic but the man loved his scotch and that was not helping with the medication. We decided to switch him to Ayurvedic medicines. 

My mother hunted places in Kerala, Pondicherry and Goa etc and came back with answers she believed would work. She was on one feet to see her man in action again. She still remembers how he followed her for months together, till he got her to marry him. She now often regrets, she should have asked him to choose between the bottle and her.

Dramatically speaking as I know time and fate had it's play that day. It was because he had a drink that night he'd  forgotten to take his tablets, which we all blamed him for till he died. We blamed him for not choosing his well being. We blamed him for not letting us live normal lives. Which I now know was a mistake. I now see why that did not help in his healing and my healing after his passing.

I'm sorry Dad you fell ill I know it's not your fault. I was too immature to understand that.

I wish I had known about healing from within while he was alive. I'm pretty sure I could have got him back to his feet.

His role had became that of an advisor and stay at home dad. Most of the time, we did not understand the value of his advice or were too busy to hear him out. 

He was alone most of the time, while we were busy with our jobs and problems to handle. I think more than the sickness, it was loneliness or depression that killed him quickly.

But when we did spend time with him, he'd make sure everyone had a hearty laugh. The man was known for his charm and witlessness.

Before he fell ill people visited him everyday always seeking his advice, approvals or financial advice and for chances to act in the movies he was the production supervisor for.

But when he fell sick not many came to visit him.

He's acted in many Indian movies as he worked in the Cine industry after he lost his job at the rigs. He used to work in the oil and gas industry and left the sea life to be home with us.

The image below is from one of the movies where he played the role of a priest for a guest appearance. He appeared in quite a few movies. My dad is super handsome as you can see.

https://youtu.be/crw0T0gKL-k

4ea5b4b6.jpg

Movie - Dum Dum Dum 

It makes 3 years today. He's gone and we managed to continue our lives. There hasn't been a single day gone by, where I don't think of him or feel like I need to share something with him or wonder what we'd be doing together.

I realise I miss him terribly because I never missed him when he was alive. I never understood the importance of his presence and know the impact of his absence now!

fc93f0a8.jpg

You'll never know how much you miss someone unless they are not there. 


Remembering you is easy we do it everyday
But missing you is a heartache that never goes away.
Author in Source Title

The biggest lesson his death taught me is that the time and feelings we have for the people we love, should have a greater need for fulfilment and expression than for the need to accrue money, fancy job titles or materialistic things.

I remember him asking me, if I was getting married that year and I said I don't know! 

04ae1d1b.png

He smiled and said "I know you'll find the perfect guy". I smiled back and told him, "You better start walking by then as you'll have to walk me down the aisle ! And we had a heartily laugh about it. I somehow now sense he was trying to tell me that he's going to die sometime soon. Had I sensed it right then could I have done something about it? 

All I'm cross about is, I should have told him how much I love him while he was alive.

I hope he hears me now as I tell him "Dad I love your very very much and you've made such a difference in my life" .

You are my hero and I'm sorry I never told you that! 

Today I choose to forgive myself! I choose to heal.

I forgive myself for I realise I had become a victim of my circumstances during that time. I will never let situations, blame and circumstances hinder the importance of my self and the ones around me.

I choose to love everyone around me as much as I can, as I know there's not much time left with each other.

I choose to live life every day with purpose and satisfaction. Hence I'll have nothing to complain about other than sharing all the lessons I learn each day with the love I have with people around me. To enable them to love and live with satisfaction.


You were a pillar of strength 

A wall of confidence

An Ocean of ideas

A heart full of generosity and love.

Our hearts have an empty space only you can fill.

You've left behind precious memories 

And lessons I can carry on for life.

Thank you dada. 

Rest in peace. I love and miss you very much.

""""
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Comments
🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

1 year ago #21

Happy Happy Birthday Daddy if you were here we would be celebrating your 71st birthday. Love and miss you loads. #RIP

Cyndi wilkins

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #20

Hey soul sister...It's not easy for us gals to say goodbye to our daddies...but you know...he's closer to you now than he's ever been...Just take a look at the gift his passing has given you... "I choose to love everyone around me as much as I can, as I know there's not much time left with each other." He's given you wings;-)

Joel Anderson

Joel Anderson

4 years ago #19

We all miss moments and opportunities but your message speaks volumes for the perspective of time, understanding, letting go, remembering and knowing that even in those lost moments, those unspoken works, there is a truth to love that outlast the mistakes (real or perceived). “The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it.” --William James “Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with excellence.” --Betty M. Nelson Walk proud and stand tall for a life well lived--apparent, hidden just under the surface and at times totally unseen. An outlasting life of excellence that because of him and your mom lives on in the portrait of you.

Jerry Fletcher

Jerry Fletcher

4 years ago #18

Fatima, Know that he will always be with you. I can hear my Dad's voice in my own as I speak with my daughter. Once in while it is advice he gave me that has stood the test of time. Often it is just the tone or word choices. Dads and Moms stay with us, I believe.

Pascal Derrien

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #17

Great tribute you wear your heart on your sleeve as always :-)

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago #16

#18
Thank you my dear friends. I have found more comfort here on beBee than anywhere else. Stay blessed everyone.

Charlene Norman

Charlene Norman

4 years ago #15

When we humans become parents we don't get a manual that tells us how to "parent'. We do the best we can. When our parents get sick and eventually die, we kids don't get the manual that tells us what to do. We do the best we can. When we siblings lose our brothers/sisters at far too tender an age, there is never a manual that tells us what to do. We do the best we can. By all the comments below, you have many friends in the bee community with many wise words who have been shown, told, coached to "do the best we can." You will never lose the pain of losing Dad. It will be with you forever. But you can turn all that pain into joy by focusing only on the goodness of the man and happiness he brought you and others. You can turn your own pain into joy by thinking upon all the gifts that he gave you (the strength, the resilience, the sense of humour and wonder and the huge capacity to share and to love). You can talk to him every day and thank him for what he gave you. He wants you to be blissfully happy and joyful. And to do and be the best that you can. A Huge hug to you my friend.

Milos Djukic

Milos Djukic

4 years ago #14

, This is the post dedicated to my late father published on July 27, 2014 (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140727012813-248021126-writing-and-human-spirit-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly). He was a poet and he taught me about many "hidden" things. Original title of the post was: "Writing and Human Spirit, the Good, the Bad and the Ugly". In the end, only one things matter: good - your writing and his spirit. A great person deserves no less: FFF dad.

Milos Djukic

Milos Djukic

4 years ago #13

A heart full of FFF.

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

4 years ago #12

Thanks everyone for the love. I'm holding on to my torch and I know I'll never lose my way with him guiding me.

Harvey Lloyd

Harvey Lloyd

4 years ago #11

Dads are a funny bread. Most feel and sense their children deeply, but always they want desperately for them to have the strength to live past them. So they hide their "self" and build their family. I have two wonderful daughters who love me and would do anything to help. My only wish is to see that they can face the world and find peace and joy within their heart. For a dad to know that their children will make it based on the knowledge they have passed on is a triumph that can not be described. Prove dads thoughts right, take what he has given and build your life and keep in mind the torch he passed is now your responsibility to pass to the next. From what i have read here your dad was an awesome person and passed a torch that shines brightly, and aptly named .

Joyce 🐝 Bowen Brand Ambassador @ beBee

Let yourself dwell in life, not death. I believe that's what he would want. It is glorious that you spent his remaining years not focused on his dying. I bet he appreciated that.

Dean Owen

Dean Owen

4 years ago #9

He is smiling down at you right now with a beaming sense of pride, and for your wedding, he may not walk you down the aisle, but he'll have the best seat in the house.

Debasish Majumder

Debasish Majumder

4 years ago #8

Great way to pay tribute ! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Lyon Brave

Lyon Brave

4 years ago #7

I have two fathers and Jhonny died next to my mother in bed and im pretty sure if he could choose his death thats how he would of wanted it. I am sure your father knew you loved him. It sounds like you were very active in his life. I know people who dont see thei parents for years. They come after the funeral and pawn their stuff, so having guilt because he didnt see you get married or.because you didnt spend enough time with him is just not how you should look back on your time togethet. Your name is Fatima. The fathers favorite daughter. I am sure you were loved and loved. Now i think all you can do is tell your children wonderful bedtime stories about your dada when you make your own family.

Ian Weinberg

Ian Weinberg

4 years ago #6

Thanks for reminding us of our humanness with all its limitations. We control very little after all. We are judged therefore only on our best intentions. Celebrate and rejoice the good times and cherish everything that contributes to increasing awareness. No blame, no guilt and no regret. But grieve we will because this is our lot. Feel your loss. Wish you well.

Javier 🐝 CR

Javier 🐝 CR

4 years ago #5

this is a great tribute. My best wishes for you and your family. 🐝🐝💖💖

David B. Grinberg

David B. Grinberg

4 years ago #4

Thank you, Fatima, for this profoundly poignant post. It takes real guts and fortitude for a writer to open up the way you did by spilling their heart out on the page. You did this with elegance and grace, Fatima, which is admirable and impressive. I likewise lost my father a few years ago. And although the circumstances were different than your situation, I also think about my dad every day. Sometimes, I feel as if he's still around and I could just pick up the phone and call him, or drive over and visit. Every person who loses a loved one will always carry a hole in their heart reserved for that person, especially a parent or close relative. You deserve accolades, Fatima, for honoring your father by keeping his memory alive internally and externally. And that's something no one can ever take away. I feel for you...

Phil Friedman

Phil Friedman

4 years ago #3

Fatima, I do not usually comment on these kinds of posts, but in this case I feel your pain and I know you are sincere. So here is what I think. You should dwell not on what you lost but on what you had before your father passed. You must not blame yourself, for nothing you did was wrong or uncaring. Nor would anything you didn't have been sufficient to keep your father alive, had you done it. Finally, while you should not forget or stop feeling pangs of sadness or cease having bittersweet memories, you should move on and do your best to live a full life. For that is what your father would and did want for you. And to do so is the very best way to honor his memory. This I know because people wiser than I have told me so in times of my own losses. And they were right. My best to you.

Phil Friedman

Phil Friedman

4 years ago #2

Fatima, I do not usually comment on these kinds of posts, but in this case I feel your pain and I know you are sincere. So here is what I think. You should dwell not on what you lost but on what you had before your father passed. You must not blame yourself, for nothing you did was wrong or uncaring. Nor would anything you didn't have been sufficient to keep your father alive, had you done it. Finally, while you should not forget or stop feeling pages of sadness or cease having bittersweet memories, you should move on and do your best to live a full life. For that is what your father would and did want for you. And to do so is the very best way to honor his memory. This I know because people wiser than I have told me so in times of my own losses. And they were right. My best to you.

Julio Angel 🐝Lopez Lopez

My dear friend bee I firmly believe that they know how much we love them. With memory we keep them alive, on another plane. He knew it, you just have to see what you transmit. This bee sends you a hug, how did the bees embrace? Crossing the wings?

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